You log onto myspace, you see that somebody wants to be your friend.
"Sweet, I could use more friends," you say.
Click.
"Aw, shucks, it's just another crappy band trying to get some cheap promotion."
It happens to me too. And you know what? If it's promotion they want, then it's promotion they'll get. So here's the inaugural post of another new feature, and it's tentatively called--
MYSPACE MUSIC FRIEND REQUESTS REVIEWS.
The guidelines are simple.
-I'll review any piece-o-dump band or artist who finds their way into my pending friend requests.
-I'll listen to only the songs they feature on their own myspace page.
-I'll tell you if they're worth a listen.
-I'll make fun of their picture.
-I may or may not be very nice.
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I've got an inbox full of "CHECK OUT MY BAND" from musicians of questionable talent, and I'm just dying to get back at 'em.
First up, Credible Witness from Detroit/Windsor. I can already tell they're talented because they operate from two different countries. Actually, this conversation probably happened...
Credible Witness Singer: (typing) "We... Are... From... Windsor... Ontario..."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, nobody in the States knows where Windsor's at. Type Detroit. Americans think Detroit is cool, don't they?"
Credible Witness Singer: "Well, we can't say we're from Detroit because A) we're not, and B) that's in a different country."
Credible Witness Drummer: "That's it, I'm quitting the band."
Credible Witness Singer: "FINE. I'll just type in that we're from Detroit AND Windsor."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, that's brilliant. Hey, also type in that we're from Bangkok. Baaangkok. Ha ha ha!"
Mmm, how dreamy. Does this picture come in poster size? Can I break a high-school girl's heart by handing her this picture, then taking it away? HOW CAN YOU RESIST ALL THOSE SWEEPING BANGS??Musically they've got a bright soft rock career ahead of them. Think Copeland-lite, if that's even possible-- I guess it IS possible because I'm listening to it right now. Safe music. Music without edges. Credible Witness is the Nerf football of music. Or, if you can relate better to food, imagine if cream cheese were capable of performing smooth easy-listening music, and you gave cream cheese a bunch of instruments to do so... well, you get the idea.
Credible Witness isn't terrible, there just aren't any cajones. They sing about Jesus, which isn't something I can fault them for. In fact it gets them a pozzy point from me. But this music is too dang NICE for my tastes. I'm sure they're scoring all kinds of points with sixteen-year-old youth group girls and trendy church moms, but at the end of each of these songs I've already forgotten what I just listened to.
A mundane 5 out of 10.
