MMFRR#13 -- The Lakeside Is For Killers

Often, in lieu of actual people wanting to be my Myspace friends, I get piles of friend requests from bands and musicians attempting to get me to check 'em out/attend their shows/join their street teams. Naturally a great bulk of these bands are awful and I want nothing to do with them, yet the requests keep coming. As a mild form of revenge I have decided to review these bands. Welcome to another therapeutic entry of what I like to call Myspace Music Friends Request Review.

I have often wondered what the lakeside is for. I would have guessed fishing or a nice picnic. Nope. The Lakeside is for Killers.

(Careful, heavy flannel will always tip a picture over)

This entry, lucky number 13, is a special one. Drummer Nich specifically asked me to review his band for this particular purpose. I was all, "Are you sure, 'cause what if you suck?" And he was all, "Bring it!" And I was all, "Fine, I will." And he was all... actually, this conversation never happened, but he still wanted me to check out the band, be they awesome, awful, or otherwise. Anything for promotion's sake, I guess. There really is no such thing as bad publicity.

I've often been leery of local bands no matter where I've lived, and it's a terrible bias to have. A band doesn't have to be from a major metropolitan area in order to be good, but I've had to sit through too many not-at-all-good small-town local openers to assume otherwise. Of course now I must remind myself that the "town" in which I currently live has a metro area of half-a-million people and these reservations I have don't make any sense anyway.

I'm still hesitant to publicly review a local band though because if the members don't like what I have to say THEY KNOW WHERE I LIVE. There are five members in TLIFK, only one of me, and I sure don't know any kung-fu.

Am I leading up to another dismal review of another dismal Myspace band? Let's take a look at the evidence.

- Bogged down Myspace? Check, somewhat. It still slows down my computer, but I've seen much, much worse.
- South Park illustrations of band members? Check. For some reason I freakin' hate that.
- No "real" website? Check. And no, Purevolume.com doesn't count. Invest in your own dang domain! (As I write this on Blogger.com).

Otherwise there's not much else to complain about, and these items are nitpicky anyway.

But what about the music?
They've got all the explosive stops and starts of metalcore, but the vocal delivery of southern rock. We could amalgamate the terms and call it drrtycore™. I like the call-and-responses, I like the guitar work, I like the change in rhythms, and I like the screamy bits. I like that the backup vocalists are capable of good screams even though this isn't really a screamy band, per se. I like the songwriting. This is good stuff. These songs are also very well recorded considering they're just demos.

Also, bonus points for naming a song after a "Double Indemnity" quote. You're just a little taller.

I wish there were more than two songs because I certainly want to hear more. I mean, I have heard more (a live performance at the freezing cold Embassy in London), but I would like to hear more studio-quality recordings. Post more songs, fools. Get on that.

And thank you for disproving the notion that all local bands, at least in this municipality, suck.

I give The Lakeside Is For Killers
8 Walter Neffs out of 10.

"You're Not Smarter, Walter, You're Just A Little Taller" (.mp3)

MMFRR#12 -- Three Star Seed

Often, in lieu of actual people wanting to be my Myspace friends, I get piles of friend requests from bands and musicians attempting to get me to check 'em out/attend their shows/join their street teams. Naturally a great bulk of these bands are awful and I want nothing to do with them, yet the requests keep coming. As a mild form of revenge I have decided to review these bands. Welcome to another therapeutic entry of what I like to call Myspace Music Friends Request Review.

It's been awhile since we've done one of these things, so let's do one of these things.

A lot of good music comes from Canada.
A lot of baad music comes from Canada.
Which is Toronto's Three Star Seed?

I'm going to do you a favor and save your ears. You are going to be able to tell what kind of music 3SS plays without even listening to any of their songs. How? Just take a quick glance at this promo shot.

(I hope SOMEBODY is wearing pants.)
(Also, who is the lead singer? You have exactly one guess.)

Man, can't you just hear the distortion and the ANNGGST and the catchy riffs? And the scratchy vocals? Check, check, check, and check. Do they call their biceps "guns"? I'll get back to you on that.

Okay, obviously I'm not a fan of alterna-nu-metal-doucherock. There is just so much of it, and Canada appears to be the leading supplier (Nickelback, Finger Eleven, Theory of a Deadman, Three Days Grace, and now... this). I'm sick of the constipated vocals. I'm sick of the one-dimensional music. I'm sick of the meatheads who listen to this crap. I'm sure Grunge is sorry it spawned such tripe.

As for the band itself...

Venture into 3SS's hyper-cluttered myspace site if you dare. It bogs my computer down terribly, so enter at your own risk. They don't have a real website, which is lame, but maybe they were too busy ROCKING OUT to purchase a domain and hire a site designer. Know how I know they are often too busy ROCKING OUT to do anything else productive? Check out those photos. All the alternative rock douchebaggery you can handle.

(Editor's Note: Sal Coz from the band just sent me a terribly nice email full of positive feedback. Now "I" feel like the douchebag. I'm probably just jealous because I'm not hanging out with Deep Purple. Ignore all those personal attacks I just made.)

Next item up for bid: the music.
3SS has four streaming demos up for a courtesy listen. The first one is called "Caroline", and it pisses Neil Diamond off quite badly. "Sweet Caroline, she's all mine." ...Followed by the sound of me shooting myself in the face.
Second is a little ditty called "Who", and honestly it's not bad. Not awful. It sounds like... you know when a screamy band includes one odd clear-voiced song near the end of a CD? It starts off sounding like one of those before wandering off into nu metal territory. It's got a bit of a groove to it and the basswork is alright, so if you must listen to a 3SS song then listen to this one.
RE: "Run With Me" -- Jonathan Davis called. He wants his beatbox back.
And finally, the fourth track, "Little Boy", sounds like it belongs on the soundtrack to a failed Tony Hawk video game.

I hope the band doesn't read this and start yelling at me (Editor's Note: Thank you for not yelling at me... I'm actually quite fragile) 'cause then I'd have to argue, and really I want to be done with this music forever. Three Star Seed is better (believe it or not) than most of the other nu metal bands around (including all the ones I mentioned above), but if this is as good as it gets then I pray for ear leprosy.

I give Three Star Seeds three star seeds out of ten.

(Editor's Note regarding Editor Notes: I'm my own editor, there are no others, so I'm really just talking to myself here. Thank you for tolerating my schizophrenia.)

MMFRR#11 -- Amerodd

Often, in lieu of actual people wanting to be my Myspace friends, I get piles of friend requests from bands and musicians attempting to get me to check 'em out/attend their shows/join their street teams. Naturally a great bulk of these bands are awful and I want nothing to do with them, yet the requests keep coming. As a mild form of revenge I have decided to review these bands. Welcome to another therapeutic entry of what I like to call Myspace Music Friends Request Review.

You asked for it, and now you've got it: India-rooted Canadian hip-hop. Yeah, boy!
Meet Amerodd.
Before you click yourself over to Amerodd's Myspace space I must caution you. There is so much crap all over everywhere that your web browser will ask you what it did to deserve such torture. Mine died the first time. If your computer can't handle the pain then maybe you should just stay right here.

Amerodd is angry. He's an angry person, but he's not quite sure how to focus his anger. Players and ballaz make him angry. B****es and hoes make him angry. Police and racists make him angry. People who call him a virgin make him angry. And finally, basic grammatical rules make him angry. What's left to do but RAP about it? And when you lay down your tracks, and you're still angry, what do you do then? Barf homemade graphics all over your dang Myspace. My favorite is the one that reads:

F*** Hoes,
F*** the Law,
F*** you all motherf***ers
who want to f*** with Amerodd!!!
Go ahead call the b**** a** cops!!!

Sans asterisks, of course. Next to the image of an AK-47, of course.

Okay, so we see WHAT Amerodd is. But WHY? Aren't Canadians a docile bunch? Where is this rage coming from? In the bio (which is an absolute headache to read) we learn that Amerodd was born in India. The details are vague (or mashedly unreadable), but apparently his family fell on hard times prior to their Canadian voyage. And whatever strife he endured out east didn't let up when he came west. My theory is that he probably got made fun of in Canada because the only word he bothered to learn in English was b****a**motherf*****.

Somehow along the way he mistook himself for a gangsta. For whatever reason he felt the need to represent.

I'll give him credit for being one of the few Indians on the hip-hop scene. The Canadian hip-hop scene at that (which, now that I think about it, is probably the only place this side of Calcutta where you could get away with such a combo). You know what else I give him credit for? His tunes aren't half bad.

Wait, what?

Yeah, that's right, I spend paragraphs dumping on his silly posturing and the laughable image he's created only to come back and say his songs are worth listening to? The imagery and frontin' have been hip-hop's greatest downfall, and once you get past that you'll usually find that there's no substance to a lot of rap's "artistry". With Amerodd's music (seperate from the Amerodd characature he's created, at least for now), he struts what he has, and it ain't much. All he has, when it comes down to it, is his anger, his ethnicity, and his belief in Jesus.

These three components of Amerodd's being haven't been resolved with each other and that in itself creates sort of a fourth component, one of conflict. It doesn't appear that he's really taken charge of this conflict, hence all that posturing, and what results is this baffling swirl of lyrical content. With his Punjabi accent he asks Jesus why these motherf***ers are acting like b****a** punks, and when will He (the good Lord) do something about it? Or how soon will Amerodd blast them himself? Fascinating, and probably for all the wrong reasons.

Three songs are available on Amerodd's Myspace. "Jealousy and Hate" has a pretty sweet sitary beat but otherwise follows the well-trod gangsta rap path. I've got a bit of a soft spot for angry street hip-hop (though, honestly, I could never get into 2pac), so I kind of dig this one. "End of My Life" is a more passive song and Amerodd comes off sounding like a victim (how ungangsta-ly). The third song, "Curfew", is an odd little disjointed musical jaunt. Something about a Hindu-Muslim society, something about escaping from prison, something about a military mission. I'm sure it makes perfect sense in Amerodd's brain, but to me it feels like an unintended experiment.

And that seems to be Amerodd's greatest strength. The best parts of him are unintended. He's trying to do all the "right" things as far as hip-hop is concerned, but he comes from such a different place that, while fileable under the "wannabe" category, the end result is more curious than bland.

I rate Amerodd 6 busted caps out of 10

MMFRR#10 -- Metavari

Severe apologies for the non-updates. Life happens.

You know what else happens? Myspace music friend requests. This, of course, leads us to another edition of Myspace Music Friend Request Reviews.

I used to have a bunch of these in my inbox, but for some reason they've all disappeared, wiped out by Tom. All except for Metavari's request. Prepare to have the spotlight shoned upon thee.

Before I go on I have to mention that Ty-from-Metavari frequents this here blog. This has no bearing on what I think of the band (honestly!), but it is good to know that readership exists.

Metavari








(featuring the talents of four disembodied heads and a fellow who really digs his horizontal stripes)

A lot of bands (a LOT) shoot themselves in their collective feet with bad vocals. How many times have you been jammin' to a rockin' intro only to have awful singing ruin your special little moment? COUNT THE TIMES RIGHT NOW. When this happens while I'm driving it makes me want to jerk the wheel. But anyway, as a band the best way to get around this is not to sing at all. Let the instrumentation say what needs to be said. Let the listener translate the music into a language that speaks best to him or her.

In the past fifteen years instrumental indie-rock (indie-mental rock?) has become quite fashionable. Fortunately it's a fashion I don't mind wearing. Explosions in the Sky, GY!BE, and Unwed Sailor are, in my opinion, the best purveyors of the genre. But what they don't do is add the boopy and beepy influence of indie electronica (indie-tron?).

The electro-rock wire is a shaky one to walk, especially for an instrumental band. Too far in one direction and suddenly your techno; fun but full of headaches. Too far in another (eliminating the beats, for example) and you become overly atmospheric and quite boring. Air and Zero 7, at least in the chillout department where Metavari qualifies, balance themselves in this manner quite excellently (albeit with the use of vocals). Done just right the music can hover around unobstructively in the background OR it can be the fascinating center of attention.

Do Metavari successfully accomplish the same? Shoot yeah they do. Without employing pesky words either.

I'd be interested to catch the band live (like, in person... Youtube performances exist) where their shows become multimedia events. Also they've been incorporating Beach Boys music into their sets, and I am completely interested to hear how well and how differently they rearrange those songs. In fact, Metavari is releasing a digital nine song Beach Boys cover album FREE this summer, and that is something I cannot wait for.

My only complaint is that there are only these two-minute samples on their Myspace page. Fools, I want to hear the whole song. Even if it's ten minutes long. ESPECIALLY if it's ten minutes long.

Anyway, highly recommended, blah blah blah.

I rate Metavari 10 moogs out of 10.

MMFRR#9 -- Ralph Hinkley Syndrome

Often, in lieu of actual people wanting to be my Myspace friends, I get piles of friend requests from bands and musicians attempting to get me to check 'em out/attend their shows/join their street teams. Naturally a great bulk of these bands are awful and I want nothing to do with them. But yet the requests keep coming. As a mild form of revenge I have decided to review these bands. Welcome to another therapeutic entry of what I like to call Myspace Music Friends Request Review.

I know I'm always touting the glories of grunge, but sometimes it's just not 1992 anymore. And something that sounded good then sounds a bit silly and dated when reproduced in these modern times. Fortunately enough every musician alive during the late 80s/early 90s grunge era has matured stylistically to create new, unique, and exciting works of... oh, wait, no?

Something about a missed memo.
Something about Ralph Hinkley Syndrome.

After perusing their myspace page and reading their blogs and even watching that silly little video I got (and continue to get) the impression that these guys are super swell and probably cool to hang out with. Unfortunately only douchetards make the best artists and musicians. I bet if they punted some babies and quit smiling so dang much they'd notice a significant increase in musical quality. As it stands, though, I'm burdened with the guilt of giving a couple upright citizens a so-so Myspace Music Friends Request Review review.

Ralph Hinkley, as a matter of common knowledge, is the main character's name on The Greatest American Hero, which aired on ABC from 1981 to 1983. "Believe it or not I'm walking on air," etc. I don't know what kind of syndrome he may have had or induced, but I find the idea of a band referencing The Greatest American Hero either completely awesome or wholly stupid. I can't decide which. A rose by any other name, I suppose.

It's interesting how, despite the lameness of a lot of myspace bands, they usually have one decent song. It's as if they put all their effort and talent into one four-minute piece of music, then hastily put together some other pieces of mush to fill up space. RHS's decent non-mushy song is a nice one called "Travel". It's simple, got a good beat, and stays low-key enough not to drift off into suckiness. I wish understated music wasn't so ignored by those who are able to perform it well enough, but I guess sometimes it's a lot more fun to rock out.

Anyway, RHS is suffering a bit from time warp problems (maybe that's a symptom of the Syndrome), and consequently we're all stuck with some dated grungy stuff. Again, "Travel" is a keeper, but other than that I'm definitely NOT walking on air (believe it or not).

I give Ralph Hinkley Syndrome 3 alien red superhero outfits out of 10.

MMFRR#8 -- Jimi Maze

For reasons that probably won't be known until therapy peels back the layers, my musical tastes tend to lean towards the dark and dour. Angry/sad music seems more authentic than something knee-slappingly bright, and melodically usually sounds better too. There's a reason why "Shiney Happy People" is REM's worst song and "Drive" one of their best. It's all about attitude, and there's little room for a good attitude in rock 'n' roll.

So here in my Myspace Friends Request inbox to prove my point is Jimi Maze.

Hypnotizing.

Jason Mraz.
Jimi Maze.
Mraz, Maze.
JM, JM.

The comparisons don't stop there, either. Maze, in fact, is a Mraz clone, sent to us by science to keep the fratboys occupied enough to not set things on fire. Armed with a guitar, a penchant for bustin' rhymes, and a feel-good repertoire of music, Maze is here to emcee your kegger and possibly steal your girl.

It's amazing, shocking if it weren't so commonplace, how bastardized rap and hip-hop have become. Once a tool for social consciousness, the genre (facets of it, at least) is now a fun little toy for those too lazy to mess around with melody. Rap's delivery is easy and mindless (just talk to the rhythm, yo) and apparently cool. Undoubtedly there are many people doing wonderful things in/with rap and hip-hop, but this isn't about them. This is about Jimi Maze.

At least, at very least, Maze doesn't take himself so seriously. Fred Durst takes himself seriously and consequently everybody laughs at him (they better, anyway). Maze, I get the feeling, is probably unfazed by how stupid I and others think his music is. The stupidity of the music is part of the appeal, for goodness sakes.

Peppy, bouncy, lowest common denominator feel-good acoustic guitar pop, faux-hop rhymin'... Maze is pretty good at what he does, but it happens that I can't really stand what he does.

Jimi Maze: for fans of Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, underage drinking, Greek rushes, backwards baseball hats, and that peculiar phase between high school and college.

I rate him 4 Hey brahs out of 10.

MMFRR#7 -- Haingo

Somebody wants to be my Myspace friend, and that can only mean one thing.
Myspace Music Friend Request Reviews!
Today we check out Haingo who resides somewhere in French Canada.

(I like to think that somebody was taking a picture of some artwork when she randomly jumped in front of the camera and struck a pose.)

Two things that surprised me here:
1) How does somebody who appears so brittle have such a deep and resounding voice?
2) R&B exists in Quebec?

First of all, before I say something mean (accidental or otherwise), this woman has a terrific voice. I can appreciate a talent even if I don't appreciate the way it's been put to use. And even though this style of R&B isn't/ain't my thing/thang, I find her actual voice very appealing.

[note: I've got to say nice things like that on the off-chance that Haingo will come to my blog and read about herself. I may sound like a jerk sometimes, but I'm honestly not that interested in hurting feelings.]

Now then,
I don't know how up-to-date the trends wafting through Quebec are (though admittedly Montreal's indie scene is killer), but Anita Baker and Whitney Huston ate this genre up fifteen years ago. I'm done with it, and I thought everybody else was too. But not Haingo. Haingo is not done with fifteen-year-old R&B.

Most of the tunes on her Myspace page are just song snippets, but snippets are all I can handle. Thirty seconds is even a bit long for some of these tunes, and I can't even imagine the damage a full album of Haingo might do. There are two full-length songs, "Aza" and "Nifamilafila". Predictably I don't care for "Aza", which sounds like a Christmas song I often hear in department stores during the holidays. (In chemical nomenclature, by the way, aza- is a prefix indicating the presence of nitrogen [thank you wikipedia]) But UNpredictably I DO care for "Nifamilafila". It's the cool jazz that saves it. The slow-going, perhaps. Maybe the undescernable French lyrics too. Saucy. If you're going to give Haingo a chance at all then concentrate all your listenability onto this song.

I will say that Haingo is better than Celine Dion, but what kind of comparison is that?

In all I give Haingo three Haingos out of ten.

(And look, I didn't even make fun of her name. Not once!)

MMFRR#6 -- Golden Death

Myspace bands, reaching out to me from beyond Myspace.
I recently got this message via Last.fm. As I read it, here's what the voices in my head responded with:

"Hello"

(Well hello there.)

"sorry to reach out to you seemingly at random, but i was hoping that you might be interested in hearing my music"

(Um, actually...)

"I realize you might have gotten similar inviations from bands in the past that turned out to be awful..I know I have..."

(IT'S AS IF HE'S READING MY MINDZ)

"I think I am doing something at least a bit different and worthwhile though"

(Hopefully!)

"Feel free to send me a message via www.myspace.com/goldendeathmusic or goldendeathmusic@gmail.com if you like"

(Only if I like)

"Thank you so much for your time and for taking a chance"

(You are very welcome, for I have nothing better to do today)

"Sorry again for the spammish nature of this message, but i am really trying to make something happen with the music as i have a daughter on the way!"

(That was a random bit of personal information, but congratulations.)

I hope you are very well

/Michael

Thanks, goldendeath


GOLDEN DEATH... rolls off the tongue like a bouncing football.

(Mr. Golden Death, I presume.)

So we click on over to the Golden Death Myspace page and... whoa. We've got some presentation problems here. Imagine the ugliest outdated pattern you can possibly think of. Now make it your Myspace background. Now spray liquid bleach into your eyes. I guess this is what we call... "Psychedelic."

Psychedelic rock is a peculiar thing. Unless it's 1968, you can't get away with labeling your self as part of a "psychedelic" genre. Nobody listens to anything psychedelic anymore. It carries a kind of antiquated vibe with it and, if anything, the mere word (unless followed by Furs) is fairly repulsing. Oddly, however, listeners do appreciate hints of psychadelia in their music. (Remember Smashmouth's "Walking on the Sun"?) But you really shouldn't ever use that word, even if you mean it.

But what's most disarming about all this psychedelic nonsense, at least in this instance, is that the music is pretty good. The dressy imagery, the effort to present this as something psychedelic, is all a goofy waste of time because the music stands on its own. Granted, it's not my cup o' tea, but if I needed some background music, or I just needed to chill, this would definitely suffice. But what's probably more impressive is that this is home made music. Some guy, some instruments, some computer... the quality of the sound is pretty dang good, as is the quality of the musicianship.

Worth a listen? It is, actually. But once you click on the Myspace link you may have to close your eyes to prevent yourself from barfing all over your computer monitor. One of the songs will start up automatically, and since your eyes are closed anyway just let the music taaaake you plaaaaces. Maaaan.

I rate Golden Death 7 groovies out of 10

MMFRR#5 -- Gosford

If you're having trouble naming your band, try this:
Step 1: Hang a map on the wall. It can either be a world map, a state map, a local map... just as long as it has some cities or street names on it.
Step 2: Throw a dart at it. To eliminate any unintentional favoritism, spin around in circles to dizzy yourself up, and then toss the dart. If darts are unavailable, steak knives are permissible (though be mindful of the large holes this will leave in your drywall).
Step 3: What place name did you hit? Was it Gosford? Congratulations. Now you too are named Gosford.

(a no-holds-barred action movie just waiting to happen)

I'm not quite sure how to approach this band. They've obviously got some talent, and they have the potential to excel at their particular genre. But it happens that their particular genre is nu-mall-metal. So while they're good at what they do, I don't like what they do, even if (especially if) they become the best representation of it.

Thankfully (and this is what puts them a step ahead of most other nu-metalheads) Gosford doesn't infuse their sound with faux-hip-hop elements like rappin' and scratchin'. They take the more traditional song structure route, but maintain those chunky riffs and gravelly vocals that would make mom and pop cover their ears. But aside from being loud (which is a volume issue anyway... just turn the dang stereo down) there isn't anything dangerous about Gosford's music. Just semi-brooding songs about severed loves and inner aaangst.

...Except for "Around the World." Socially conscious nu-metal? Who asked for this? And now that we have it, what do we do with it? It's a shame that the frivilousness of the genre undermines the earnestness of the message.

So anyway, those are my feelings. If you like Linkin Park or Disturbed or Kutless or 12 Stones then Gosford is worth your ear. If you don't then we've both got better things to do.

I rate them 6 AAANGSTs out of 10.

MMFRR#4 -- Maddison

What taxes me more than sifting through lamemyspaceband friend requests? "Screamo" bands, and the sheer number of them. Thousands of them. Everywhere. Singing at me offkey, then shrieking at me like I just did something wrong. Not unlike crazy street derelicts, but with a better sense of fashion.

Naturally I'm not talking about the quality representatives of the genre. Early Cool Hand Luke did it right, as did Drive Like Jehu, as did In Pieces, as does Bear vs. Shark. But somebody took a Thursday-shaped cookie cutter (a band I like, incidently) and punched out a bunch of sloppy copies. Then somebody took one of those sloppy copies and punched out a bunch of sloppier copies. I hope we've seen Multiplicity enough to know what happens when you make a copy of a copy.

So with all that in mind... Maddison!

(featuring Jay on the far left, but not Silent Bob.)

Maddison isn't as bad as all that -- certainly not the retarded third generation multiplicitous Doug -- but the originality is sparce. In fact, you probably already know exactly what they sound like. Imagine their music, then check it out just to see how close you were.

With their three myspace samples they made sure to cover all their bases; there's the heavy screamtacular song, the softer moody emotional song, and the sing-to-scream inbetween song. The softer moody song isn't half bad, but the other two are like Silverstein demos. (Interestingly, both are from Burlington, Ontario, so perhaps they were trying to imitate the hometown heroes.)

Anyway, you might like this sort of thing if you happen to like this sort of thing. If you're still in your faux-"screamo" phase in music appreciation, then sure, go to town with Maddison. Otherwise stay at home and listen to... I don't know, Braid, or something.

I rate them 6 Michael Keatons out of 10.

MMFRR#3 -- Heresy Knights

Knights of yore dedicated themselves to service of their king and to God. The unchivalrous act of heresy was not an option, as that would be grounds for dismissal via head-lopping. But three heretical knights managed to flee to Leeds and, in lieu of saving damsels and forcibly converting Middle Easterners, formed a rock 'n' roll band.

May I introduce to you the Heresy Knights.
"You'll personify Sex, you'll personify Drugs, and I'll personify Rock & Roll. We'll be the Three Amigos of music!"

They've only got two songs up on their myspace page, but both sound like early-90s George Harrison B-sides; mellow, hooky, and straight from a songwriting workshop. That being said, this isn't the worst thing to pop into my friends request box. The music didn't strike any chords with my soul, but at least it was tolerable. But if you're going to give these guys a courtesy listen, be warned-- the song "Tease" is about two minutes too long. If you were planning to re-lace one of your shoes, or going out to check the mail, or making yourself a sandwich, or any other menial two-minute task, you can just forget about it.

If I were some sort of flaming fasionista charged with reshaping these lads' image, I'd start with the band name. Heresy Knights? No-ho. Try the Suavetones, or The Three Calientes, or ANYTHING that would indicate that they're not aiming for a particular niche audience composed of Renaissance fair reenactors. Next, the logo's gotta go. I know somebody spent a good three hours putting it together in photoshop, but if you pay real money to real designers you could have something far more un-silly. As for the band members' physical appearance... eh, they look okay to me.

Heresy Knights, coming to a Leeds near you.

I rate them 5 Templars out of 10

MMFRR#2 -- The Real Swisher Sweet

Ohmygosh.
Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.
It's the REAL Swisher Sweet. And he's layin' down some dope suburban trax toutin' his white-bread GANGSTA-ness. See this hurr biggie screen? It's locked on BET, 'cept when Scarface is on AMC.

So what's it gonna take for YOU to become a straight-thuggin' GANGSTA?
Step 1: Get a laptop for Christmas. Homies from the 'hood can't lay down those ghetto beats without a mac.
Step 2: Lift public domain ghetto beats from somebody else.
Step 3: Plug in Wal-Mart-bought microphone for that keepin'-it'-real lo-fi sound.
Step 4: Drop dope rhymes about how much cash moneys you have, how bros from the streets respec' you, how you want to murder punks 'n' goths (!!), and generally how much better you are than errbody else.
Step 5: Wait for the honeys to flock.

So what urban jungle is Swisher Sweet from? Is he so hard cuz he was the only white kid in Compton? Was he raised on Eight Mile down 'round DEE-troit? Has he busted a cap in each of the five boroughs?
Naw, he's representin' the mean streets of Ottawa.
Ottawa, by the way, was recently declared the fourth cleanest city in the world.

I don't know how seriously this guy takes himself, but it's fun to assume that's he's trying really really hard. But these songs and images are so inane I have to believe that there's a joke in there somewhere.
NOTE: If people can't tell if you're for real or not, it either means your music sucks, or you're not funny.

So anyway, this is garbage. It's amusing, but only during the initial listening. It's not worth it, and for each digit Swisher Sweet's playcount goes up, you're just encouraging him that much more.

2 wiggas out of 10

MMFRR #1 -- Credible Witness

It's happened to you.
You log onto myspace, you see that somebody wants to be your friend.
"Sweet, I could use more friends," you say.
Click.
"Aw, shucks, it's just another crappy band trying to get some cheap promotion."

It happens to me too. And you know what? If it's promotion they want, then it's promotion they'll get. So here's the inaugural post of another new feature, and it's tentatively called--
MYSPACE MUSIC FRIEND REQUESTS REVIEWS.

The guidelines are simple.
-I'll review any piece-o-dump band or artist who finds their way into my pending friend requests.
-I'll listen to only the songs they feature on their own myspace page.
-I'll tell you if they're worth a listen.
-I'll make fun of their picture.
-I may or may not be very nice.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I've got an inbox full of "CHECK OUT MY BAND" from musicians of questionable talent, and I'm just dying to get back at 'em.


First up, Credible Witness from Detroit/Windsor. I can already tell they're talented because they operate from two different countries. Actually, this conversation probably happened...

Credible Witness Singer: (typing) "We... Are... From... Windsor... Ontario..."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, nobody in the States knows where Windsor's at. Type Detroit. Americans think Detroit is cool, don't they?"
Credible Witness Singer: "Well, we can't say we're from Detroit because A) we're not, and B) that's in a different country."
Credible Witness Drummer: "That's it, I'm quitting the band."
Credible Witness Singer: "FINE. I'll just type in that we're from Detroit AND Windsor."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, that's brilliant. Hey, also type in that we're from Bangkok. Baaangkok. Ha ha ha!"

Mmm, how dreamy. Does this picture come in poster size? Can I break a high-school girl's heart by handing her this picture, then taking it away? HOW CAN YOU RESIST ALL THOSE SWEEPING BANGS??

Musically they've got a bright soft rock career ahead of them. Think Copeland-lite, if that's even possible-- I guess it IS possible because I'm listening to it right now. Safe music. Music without edges. Credible Witness is the Nerf football of music. Or, if you can relate better to food, imagine if cream cheese were capable of performing smooth easy-listening music, and you gave cream cheese a bunch of instruments to do so... well, you get the idea.

Credible Witness isn't terrible, there just aren't any cajones. They sing about Jesus, which isn't something I can fault them for. In fact it gets them a pozzy point from me. But this music is too dang NICE for my tastes. I'm sure they're scoring all kinds of points with sixteen-year-old youth group girls and trendy church moms, but at the end of each of these songs I've already forgotten what I just listened to.

A mundane 5 out of 10.