MMFRR#4 -- Maddison

What taxes me more than sifting through lamemyspaceband friend requests? "Screamo" bands, and the sheer number of them. Thousands of them. Everywhere. Singing at me offkey, then shrieking at me like I just did something wrong. Not unlike crazy street derelicts, but with a better sense of fashion.

Naturally I'm not talking about the quality representatives of the genre. Early Cool Hand Luke did it right, as did Drive Like Jehu, as did In Pieces, as does Bear vs. Shark. But somebody took a Thursday-shaped cookie cutter (a band I like, incidently) and punched out a bunch of sloppy copies. Then somebody took one of those sloppy copies and punched out a bunch of sloppier copies. I hope we've seen Multiplicity enough to know what happens when you make a copy of a copy.

So with all that in mind... Maddison!

(featuring Jay on the far left, but not Silent Bob.)

Maddison isn't as bad as all that -- certainly not the retarded third generation multiplicitous Doug -- but the originality is sparce. In fact, you probably already know exactly what they sound like. Imagine their music, then check it out just to see how close you were.

With their three myspace samples they made sure to cover all their bases; there's the heavy screamtacular song, the softer moody emotional song, and the sing-to-scream inbetween song. The softer moody song isn't half bad, but the other two are like Silverstein demos. (Interestingly, both are from Burlington, Ontario, so perhaps they were trying to imitate the hometown heroes.)

Anyway, you might like this sort of thing if you happen to like this sort of thing. If you're still in your faux-"screamo" phase in music appreciation, then sure, go to town with Maddison. Otherwise stay at home and listen to... I don't know, Braid, or something.

I rate them 6 Michael Keatons out of 10.

MMFRR#3 -- Heresy Knights

Knights of yore dedicated themselves to service of their king and to God. The unchivalrous act of heresy was not an option, as that would be grounds for dismissal via head-lopping. But three heretical knights managed to flee to Leeds and, in lieu of saving damsels and forcibly converting Middle Easterners, formed a rock 'n' roll band.

May I introduce to you the Heresy Knights.
"You'll personify Sex, you'll personify Drugs, and I'll personify Rock & Roll. We'll be the Three Amigos of music!"

They've only got two songs up on their myspace page, but both sound like early-90s George Harrison B-sides; mellow, hooky, and straight from a songwriting workshop. That being said, this isn't the worst thing to pop into my friends request box. The music didn't strike any chords with my soul, but at least it was tolerable. But if you're going to give these guys a courtesy listen, be warned-- the song "Tease" is about two minutes too long. If you were planning to re-lace one of your shoes, or going out to check the mail, or making yourself a sandwich, or any other menial two-minute task, you can just forget about it.

If I were some sort of flaming fasionista charged with reshaping these lads' image, I'd start with the band name. Heresy Knights? No-ho. Try the Suavetones, or The Three Calientes, or ANYTHING that would indicate that they're not aiming for a particular niche audience composed of Renaissance fair reenactors. Next, the logo's gotta go. I know somebody spent a good three hours putting it together in photoshop, but if you pay real money to real designers you could have something far more un-silly. As for the band members' physical appearance... eh, they look okay to me.

Heresy Knights, coming to a Leeds near you.

I rate them 5 Templars out of 10

MMFRR#2 -- The Real Swisher Sweet

Ohmygosh.
Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.
It's the REAL Swisher Sweet. And he's layin' down some dope suburban trax toutin' his white-bread GANGSTA-ness. See this hurr biggie screen? It's locked on BET, 'cept when Scarface is on AMC.

So what's it gonna take for YOU to become a straight-thuggin' GANGSTA?
Step 1: Get a laptop for Christmas. Homies from the 'hood can't lay down those ghetto beats without a mac.
Step 2: Lift public domain ghetto beats from somebody else.
Step 3: Plug in Wal-Mart-bought microphone for that keepin'-it'-real lo-fi sound.
Step 4: Drop dope rhymes about how much cash moneys you have, how bros from the streets respec' you, how you want to murder punks 'n' goths (!!), and generally how much better you are than errbody else.
Step 5: Wait for the honeys to flock.

So what urban jungle is Swisher Sweet from? Is he so hard cuz he was the only white kid in Compton? Was he raised on Eight Mile down 'round DEE-troit? Has he busted a cap in each of the five boroughs?
Naw, he's representin' the mean streets of Ottawa.
Ottawa, by the way, was recently declared the fourth cleanest city in the world.

I don't know how seriously this guy takes himself, but it's fun to assume that's he's trying really really hard. But these songs and images are so inane I have to believe that there's a joke in there somewhere.
NOTE: If people can't tell if you're for real or not, it either means your music sucks, or you're not funny.

So anyway, this is garbage. It's amusing, but only during the initial listening. It's not worth it, and for each digit Swisher Sweet's playcount goes up, you're just encouraging him that much more.

2 wiggas out of 10

MMFRR #1 -- Credible Witness

It's happened to you.
You log onto myspace, you see that somebody wants to be your friend.
"Sweet, I could use more friends," you say.
Click.
"Aw, shucks, it's just another crappy band trying to get some cheap promotion."

It happens to me too. And you know what? If it's promotion they want, then it's promotion they'll get. So here's the inaugural post of another new feature, and it's tentatively called--
MYSPACE MUSIC FRIEND REQUESTS REVIEWS.

The guidelines are simple.
-I'll review any piece-o-dump band or artist who finds their way into my pending friend requests.
-I'll listen to only the songs they feature on their own myspace page.
-I'll tell you if they're worth a listen.
-I'll make fun of their picture.
-I may or may not be very nice.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I've got an inbox full of "CHECK OUT MY BAND" from musicians of questionable talent, and I'm just dying to get back at 'em.


First up, Credible Witness from Detroit/Windsor. I can already tell they're talented because they operate from two different countries. Actually, this conversation probably happened...

Credible Witness Singer: (typing) "We... Are... From... Windsor... Ontario..."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, nobody in the States knows where Windsor's at. Type Detroit. Americans think Detroit is cool, don't they?"
Credible Witness Singer: "Well, we can't say we're from Detroit because A) we're not, and B) that's in a different country."
Credible Witness Drummer: "That's it, I'm quitting the band."
Credible Witness Singer: "FINE. I'll just type in that we're from Detroit AND Windsor."
Credible Witness Drummer: "Dude, that's brilliant. Hey, also type in that we're from Bangkok. Baaangkok. Ha ha ha!"

Mmm, how dreamy. Does this picture come in poster size? Can I break a high-school girl's heart by handing her this picture, then taking it away? HOW CAN YOU RESIST ALL THOSE SWEEPING BANGS??

Musically they've got a bright soft rock career ahead of them. Think Copeland-lite, if that's even possible-- I guess it IS possible because I'm listening to it right now. Safe music. Music without edges. Credible Witness is the Nerf football of music. Or, if you can relate better to food, imagine if cream cheese were capable of performing smooth easy-listening music, and you gave cream cheese a bunch of instruments to do so... well, you get the idea.

Credible Witness isn't terrible, there just aren't any cajones. They sing about Jesus, which isn't something I can fault them for. In fact it gets them a pozzy point from me. But this music is too dang NICE for my tastes. I'm sure they're scoring all kinds of points with sixteen-year-old youth group girls and trendy church moms, but at the end of each of these songs I've already forgotten what I just listened to.

A mundane 5 out of 10.

1993

There's a sweet lightning storm zapping the skies right now. I kinda wish you could see it.


New feature: 5 Songs/1 Year.
The year is random, the songs are not.

1993
I've enjoyed most of the music from this year after-the-fact; I was too busy at this time discovering the 1960s to pay attention to bands like Nirvana and Radiohead. I didn't know what Pearl Jam's Ten was until five years later. But eventually I caught up with grunge, and now the early-to-mid 1990s are one of my favorite rock 'n' roll eras.
Highlights, in alphabetical order--

Afghan Whigs - If I Were Going
This is the opening track to Gentlemen, released in October. It sounds like an introductory song, too. Modern towers don't tip over because their centers of gravity are far below ground. In the same manner, "If I Were Going" acts as Gentlemen's center of gravity, a foundation supporting an apex that appears later in the album. It's sort of a tease to listen to it without the support of the other songs, but I like it anyway.

The Breeders - Cannonball
File under "Oh yeah! I remember that song."

Jawbreaker - Do You Still Hate Me
An influencial raspy-voiced San Francisco punk rock band, this is a particularly emo (ligitimate term used in a ligitimate context) song. Blake Schwarzenbach went on to form and break up Jets to Brazil after Jawbreaker called it quits in 1996.

New Order - Regret
I love how New Order remains musically consistent without becoming stale. I also love how catchy this chorus is.

Starflyer59 - Happy Days Are Here Again
In 1993 Brandon Ebel started a record label called Tooth & Nail. Starflyer59 was one of the first bands signed to the label after Jason Martin gave Ebel the band's demo. That same year they recorded Silver, and Starflyer59 has been making amazing music ever since.

Balcony Repair Remix

My computer recently gave out, and right now all the music I want to share with you is inside a harddrive sitting on the shelf.

There's some very LOUD construction going on outside. Rather than putting on headphones or, y'know, going somewhere else, I'm listening to some hoppin' indie-electro-somethingrather. At the right volume the horrible drilling noises outside make it sound like I'm listening to industrial remixes of MSTRKRFT and The Presets and Cut Copy.

Lemons --> Lemonade


Stay tuned. Once I'm done re-gutting the computer I've got plans to start a Great Songs From a Great Year series.

Fifty Million Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong

Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. This explains why dozens of his crappy movies were on TV all day. But while I can't sit through "Clambake," I do find the music of Elvis absolutely beautiful. That voice, that delivery... that image of him singing his songs, either with his guitar and gyratin' every which way or pouring out his soul on a Vegas stage in his incredibly obtuse white pantsuit. There was nobody like Elvis, and there never will be again. So even though I think it's a peculiar thing to celebrate a particular person on the anniversary of his death, especially a death as circumstantially sad as Elvis's, he was (and is) the king, and his music continues to be a glorious gift to his subjects.

"That's All Right"

"Kentucky Rain"

Tigress Sucker

This week in Two Songs That Sound So Alike (a new randomly appearing feature):

Damien Jurado - "Sucker"

Songs:Ohia - "Tigress"


Both songs begin in the same sort of manner and continue with similar progressions. Jurado and Jason Molina are both inclined to write forlorne folksy songs, and they both have that worn and wistful vocal delivery. But eventually the songs diverge; "Tigress" reaches an apex while "Sucker" remains steady.

Songs:Ohia gets the win for releasing "Tigress" on The Lioness in 2000. "Sucker" appears on 2005's On My Way to Absence. But they're both good songs, and if you listened to them then you're the real winner. Hooray!

EDIT:
All those .mp3 links that weren't working before... they're working now. Sorry for any frustration-causing I've frustratingly caused.

Music, Sports, and Tragedy

Thanks to a large and frightening bridge collapse in Minnesota the last post about car wreck songs suddenly seems cruel and heartless. I do have a soul, and I wish those injured a speedy recovery, and I pray comfort for the families of the deceased.

At least the theme wasn't 'novelty tunes about falling concrete.' At least.

The collapse occurred shortly before a Royals and Twins game at the nearby Metrodome. Rather than canceling the game as they often do in the wake of tragedy, they opted to go ahead and play, figuring that if they axed the game then that would put thousands of people back on the highways, and that's exactly what the emergency first-responders didn't need at that moment.

I've always thought it would be a very surreal thing to participate in a sporting event immediately following a tragedy. It doesn't happen too often -- the Cardinals, after the mid-season deaths of Darryl Kile in 2002 and Josh Hancock this past April, canceled the next scheduled games. Naturally all of sports was shut down after September 11th, 2001. But how do you feel when you have to play the game in light of something far more important than home runs or three-pointers or touchdowns? Do you relegate yourself to cruise-control, or do you play with more emotion than you've ever played in your life?

Somehow this doesn't really apply to musical performances. "The show must go on." Dedicate the set to families of victims, then play the set, then do it again the next night. Only laryngitis can stand in the way of a killer show. Some bigger artists might be inclinded to cancel a show after a location-specific tragedy, or a tour after a nation-wide one. But hit the clubs the day after -- the day of-- and there's the band, maybe a little more self-conconscious than before, but still up there on stage singing songs and communicating with the crowd.

I'm not harping on musicians... music and sports are two completely different businesses. It's just interesting to compare how the members of each react to certain situations. If anything, it's probably a better thing for musicians to be more resilient in the face of devastation. Music, be it as an artform or just a distraction, resounds deeper with humans than sports. And as important as sports is, a game-tying double suddenly seems petty when a recent tragedy is on the minds of everybody. Music, however, is the soundtrack to our souls.


Leonard Cohen - "If It Be Your Will"